Blinded by the life.

For most of my life I have felt like a blind man attempting to put together a jigsaw puzzle. My immersion in Christianity helped me find a whole range of pieces. Mal Garvin. So did reading especially Jung and Hillman: Psychology. Tim Winton and David Malouf. Michael Leunig, Painting and writing my dreams, having children, the ocean, trees, the wind, places: Margaret River, the Nullarbor, Fingal, Burleigh heads. Archetypal cosmology seems to have provided the missing pieces. Soul and Body and intellect and aesthetic sense and imagination. Ecology.
Today I felt like a fish out of water.
Had to get my car to the mechanic. It’s been sitting for nearly a year. Transmission had died. Cost 2 grand to fix. Is this a metaphor for my life? Unable to transmit. My trans-mission isn’t working. My trance-mission? I finally get the money only to find the rego’s run out and it needs a roadworthy, maybe another 2 grand!! I will try a dodgy mechanic as I need it on the road.
6.30 in the morning it won’t start! Monday morning. I rung RACQ only to find my membership had run out. The credit on the phone runs out before I could renew. Changed phones renewed, $100 later. The car starts but has a leaking back tire and a battery that needs replacing. I drive to mechanic and the battery has died. More money I don’t have before it’s even been looked at. How do I get the key to them? Tomorrow maybe.
Work? I sit through meetings not uttering a word, miss meetings, double book people. Have one good session in which it all comes together and I know I’ve made a difference. Catch a bus to hospital. Cuddle baby who is beautiful, so beautiful… trying t o sleep in a room with other people visiting, bells ringing, nurses talking, other baby’s crying. My partner struggles with it all. Depression looms. Our house is messy/chaotic. We have to move soon. No money. Saturn is retrograding back towards my natal Pluto. A notoriously difficult placement.
I dream of doing a PHD but wonder if it’s really what’s calling me. Australia its past and potential future. I can see the archetypal patterns emerging. Australia the Awakener. I want to make a difference, a big difference. So frustrated, so tired, I long to just listen to song of the birds, watch the crows, the magpies that populate the trees in our backyard. To listen to the wind, to feel the wind on my face. I love the wind. To be near the water, to be near my boys .To be alone with my soul. To let my soul lament. To reflect and let all the questions be present. How did I get here? Did something go wrong or is this right somehow? It feels wrong to always struggle with basics. Most people go to uni get degrees and don’t look back. It barely made a difference to my struggle How come? Is this mental illness? The culture of individualism says yes. What’s wrong with you? It’s your responsibility.
Is it a family curse I carry? Power coming from poor in the old Irish. Money the root of all evil says the Bible. Am I scared of my own evil, that I will become evil if I have money. It doesn’t fit, doesn’t make sense. Astrology says 12th house placements of planets are deeply unconscious and bring restrictions and self undoing. That’s true! I have sun conjunct Uranus. Turn on the juice, the electricity. Power. Yet it overpowers not empowers me. I can empower others not myself. Shoot myself in the foot (often) and then blow both my legs off! Creative religious explosion? Playing with explosives is serious business. I think of my granddad: Snow (nickname). Loved kids in the old fashioned way not the catholic priest way. Cleaned up the mess/the chaos of explosives. A miner, Gold Miner. Underground. Gelignite in rock deep underground, He was the first ones in there with only a hanky tied around his mouth and nose. Erecting timber beams. Loses lots of his mates and dies at 69(too young) from the dust in his lungs. Vivid Blues eyes like my Mum and one of my sons. Does his legacy live in me? Transformed somehow? Blasting away underground looking for Gold. The endless search. I’ve paid a price. Not much gold…yet?
I think about mining and if it’s a desecration of the mother? Not consciously. Does it matter? That father who drops his daughter off a bridge in a moment of psychiatric stress/ madness. Was he acting out an unconscious rage and powerlessness? Does it matter? Evil is still evil. Good people can do evil. Snow was a good man, just trying t o make a living.
Is the mother earth, Gaia so pissed off that she will flex her muscles and wipe out most of the human race or can we reverse things before it’s too late? Does she speak through snow t o me? What did he learn, what did he soak up through his skin being under the earth for such lengths of time? Are these thoughts crazy? It all feels so huge. To think big feels like a joke. To stop mining would be a joke unimaginable… what kind of head in the clouds, feral hippy dickhead am I? We are all in it together. We all participate in the desecration. The destruction of the sacred earth. No one is guilt free. Its almost impossible t o imagine alternatives?
Writing it out clears space, erect the timber, and give it form, Saturn. I need boundaries. We need new forms. Australia can be a place of, is a place of new forms. It’s in me it’s in others, underground, unseen. Pluto.
Obama’s inauguration was of a King not just a president. The U.S rebelled against the mother England and became like her, an empire. No surprises there. Different, yes but similar. Australia hasn’t been able to cut he ties t o Mum. This is the pattern of the Peur, The trickster, Hermes, Mercury and perhaps Uranus. We haven’t really found our identity…yet. It’s in pieces, scattered, slowly being put together.
This day is over. It’s raining. I will sleep and dream. The planets will move and keep moving. My life will unfold amidst all the other lives. We are all in it together.