Tiger, tiger.

Last night I went to bed and dreamt as we all do. This was the dream. I had killed a Tiger. It was large but not abnormally so and it lay before me. Then I proceeded to cut off its head with a large sharp knife. As I cut away I thought about how I would bury the head and let the flesh rot away and eventually I would clean it and have this great skull as a sort of trophy. The strange thing was there was not much emotion in the dream. It was just a task, a job I was completing.
I woke with a newfound sense of hope. No doubt there are many ways to interpret and make sense of the dream. It reminded me of the scene in the movie 300 when the leader goes out to hunt a wild animal as form of initiation. To prove his manhood or face his fear. For me it was like the psyche was saying you have completed this task. You have faced your fear symbolised by the tiger one of the most beautiful and most powerful animals in the jungle. Now all that’s left is to ritually prepare this great big magnificent skull. There is a lot more that I could say about the dream and how it relates to me and to you no doubt.
I went to work with a strong sense of feeling different inside.
Then after lunch it dawned on me that I had made yet another mistake in booking people. No need for details but it was a big stuff up on my part! I was ashamed and depressed by this. The day went on I didn’t want to dwell on it yet in the back of my mind I knew it was sign. It was more then just forgetfulness. Yes I am tired and under stress with the baby in hospital but in heart I knew that was just an excuse.
I talked to a friend and we had a discussion about putting things out and trusting that the cosmos or god will provide. It’s about the state of your heart that matters. I have been thinking about this and how it works. I /we need t o move house immediately and it’s too hard with a baby in hospital and a car in the mechanics and very little spare cash. Impossible at some level. And I am not happy at work. And bewildered by how come I am doing work that doesn’t challenge and stretch me. Then it struck me. This is all a symptom of where I am at. It’s all connected but work is the central issue. My heart is not in this work. I knew that but have been too scared t o face it and equally unsure about where my heart was if not here. I know that I wan to be engaging with the public. Engaging, inspiring, challenging, provoking and having the same done to me. And be doing it publicly on a larger stage. I want to make a scene about the things I care about, about ideas, and meanings and people and creativity. And I knew then that it was my self that was preventing this from happening and the dream was saying I had already killed the tiger. That is no half hearted thing to do. It would have taken 110% commitment. I had done it already at some level. Time to do it in the real world.
So I have decided t o put myself out there. I am a passionate communicator and a performer and I want to communicate and perform. Others have said I am gifted. I acknowledge that. I am all but useless at some things around day to day life, they bore to me to tears, but other things especially with large groups of people I just relax and at times assort of magic occurs. I have seen it happen and I know I can make it happen. It’s not a delusion.
To do that most widely is through the media. In my mind went from writing for a newspaper, something I have thought of before, to being on radio, again something I have thought of and others have encouraged to being on TV. Again I had thought about this and others had suggested it but I have never really put my heart into it. What have I got to lose but my boredom, my fantasies, and my mediocrity? I would love to have a TV show that is part comedy, part serious and meaningful. That engages in serious discussion about us and where we are going. That talks about hopes and dreams and culture. The stuff of life. That asks big questions and is prepared to make mistakes openly and learn openly. That speaks to the heart of our culture that speaks about the mysteries not just about he surface headlines. I would love to have the freedom to explore a sort of public psychotherapy that nudges us away from our self focus towards a community/ecological focus. We are all in this together, including the rocks, the trees, the birds and the insects. All of us!
It’s a big leap I know, a huge leap. And I have wanted to make that leap forward for years now. I wont bore you with the details…honestly I have been around in circles a million times, no exaggeration. A million and more times searching the job ads talking to people, visioning, praying endlessly and still dead ends or a million possibilities but nothing fixed. Nothing I could really put my heart and soul into. And maybe it had t o be like this till I reached an age and maturity and things settled in my life and some hard won wisdom was gained.
And for the astrologically tuned will know that Jupiter the planet of expansion and more and Neptune the planets of dreams and visions and more are now both travelling through Aquarius( the sign of community and communication and more) and will conjunct (come together and mutually activate each others energies later this year. This will affect everyone but also they will be very close to my natal Jupiter. They will both cross next year. My natal Jupiter is also conjunct Chiron the planet of the wounded healer. In simple terms it will be a once in a lifetime event. A psychologist/astrologer I saw briefly last year predicted that I would get a healing that nothing would prepare me for. In some ways I have had glimpses of this all my life and now is time for the main event. And yes my ego gets excited by that and all that I have learnt and know in my bones tells me that any thing good becomes better if shared. More the anything else I want in my life is to see my country step up to the mark and bring something new to the world. By God we are going t o need it! I don’t know how we are going to do it but the intuitions are getting stronger and forming. This has to be worked out publicly.
I actually hate the TV which is a great irony and rarely watch it but nonetheless it dominates so many of us. Why not use it for good. So there you have it maybe next week I will change my mind…as I am apt to do. Things do change when you put them out there. Or maybe the universe will take me seriously. Let’s wait and see.
I want to add that yes I am aware that I will need to work out the details and clarify what I want from a TV program. Maybe I have t o that first before the universe acts? Or maybe it will happen “on the road” so to speak. Or maybe I am just plain crazy!! Let’s wait and see…