transition

My couch surfing continues...Ive been stubbornly holding out out for my true work to arrrive. Days of eating only bread and water, moments of despair and healing , minor miracles occur, minor breakthroughs and integration. A backlog of stories to write. Miss my boys down the Gold Coast badly. Longing for some stability, a halfway normal life of money, food and shelter.Wondering why my talents are wasted when the earth is dying. Hoping, hoping, hoping for a big breakthrough, wondering when the revolution will begin in australia. Writing lots on paper, no time to get it on to a computer...frustrations galore and moments of acceptance.
Lots of performing on the streets has taught me me invaluable lessons and brought me to the brink of exhaustion. Walking ,walking, walking...then fainting at war memorial late at night. Emotionally, spiritually and physically overwhelmed by the spirits of the dead in that place. Reflecting on the sacrifices made...then coming too on the concrete, bruised, bleeding and bewildered. Really, really scared, feeling that death had brushed me closely.
A nightmare about facing death and it transforming at the last moment.
Wondering about giving up my idealism and going on the dole getting a brain dead job to pay off mounting debts. Hungry all the time, determined to keep going. Keep beleiving, keep hoping, keep the faith. Sad and lonely, feeling misunderstood, feeling crazy, wanting to hide. Feeling strong and inspired, tested and true. Reflecting lots on family curses and how to break them. Watching the birds, crows, magpies and bugs. Synchronicities occur. Clarity about my writing project emerging after a day of despair. Drowning the bible and feeding country ritual done in two parts. Finished yesterday...seemed to break the spell. Opened the gates to write about what I know, not theory.Wanting t obecome a healer not a counsellor. Wanting my own healing soooo bad. Wanting to heal this nation and our beautifual world...