Black sun

I first painted a stylized image of the Black Sun about 5 years ago.It returns every now and then. I have begun doing small versions in pen and charcoal almost daily. It feel like I am giving birth to something deep within thats about something in our culture not just my psychology.

Work?

No money...the romantic notion of the starving artist is just that. The reality aint a lot of fun. There is work I could do and yet some incredibly stubborn part of me is still holding out beleiving, hoping that my true work will emerge some how. I need nothing less then a miracle.
I am holding onto the idea that everthing is perfect and that I am here to learn a really important lesson and that when I have learnt it new things will flow from there.

Fusion

I met Neil Barringham? today at A place to belong a communitty agency offering support to people suffering with mental illness. He had been a gung ho Christian in his youth and had come through the experince and arrived at a far differnt place. We knew friends in common and he had done some training with people from Fusion whom I had trained with as well. It was great to share with someone who could understand what can sound like crazines to the unititiated. I worked with Fusion for over ten years sacrificing lots to the greater cause and then coming out and facing years of bewilderement. Now I am proud of my idealism, my faith and hope and passion albeit misguided. Astrology gives me a wider perspective. It feels like the wheel is turning full circle.

Basics

Sleeping on a lounge in a garage...getting a decent meal most days. No car , no computer ...badly need a haircut. Yet feeling inspired? Applied for the dole which felt like a defeat but necessary to survive. Spent my last bit of money on business cards today. A gamble that I am prepared to make. I am committted to keep writing and start counselling and doing charts. Its what I can offer to the communitty that is tangible and people have appreciated it in the past. My attempts at starting counselling practice have failed in the past. The business side has always eluded me but here we go again. This time feels different. I have no great expectations. The last months have humbled me ...lots.

Tobacco

If you have ever seen the movie Dead Man starring Johhny Depp as William Blake the accountant, you will remember the strange thread running through out the movie where he is asked three seperate times, Do you have any tobbacco? Each time he answers, no he doesnt smoke. Saturday night I was in West End for the Riders on the Storm concert at Blackstar. Twice I was asked by complete strangers, would I like a cigarette? and I answered, no I dont smoke. After the second time I thought how strange this was and I reflected on what it might mean in light of the movie. In the movie no definate meaning is given, but that said tobacco is a sacred substance for Native American Indians and is used in ceremony e.g the peace pipe. As William Blake is in a liminal state or a transformational moment it could be that the tobbaco is to further that process. Except he keeps on being literal and misses the moment. I reflected on this and thought if I am asked a third time I will say something like, no I dont smoke but yes I would like some tobbacco, and then work out what to do with it next. As it turned out I was asked a third time but I instincively said no I dont smoke! It was in a crowd and there was music and I missed the moment! This has never occured before and I am still contemplating what it might mean?
Astrologically Neptune is still sitting opposite my Sun and this is dissolving any defensiveness I have. I feel more opened up and aware and for want of better words spiritual then I have for some time. Chiron is also moving close to its natal position, a once in lifetime occurrence and amidst all the drama of the last months a profound healing is occuring, has occured.
The real sign of a inner healing is when people react differently to you through no prompting. This is what occured. Its never happened before so to have three strikes in one night means something. The other astrological thing happening was that Uranus had just moved into Aries. Uranus is the key to me in many ways and it moving into a fire sign was bound to have some effect. What exactly I am not sure except that people seemed to want to connect spontaneously with me. This seems to be gathering momentum. Nothing dramatic or extraordinary just a noticeable change in the way people seem t operceive me . I feel more energized and focused. Things are moving slower then I would like and they are moving.

creating

Im a classic Uranian. l ike to do things my way. The control freak shadow I carry is well hidden but gets in the way. Dying to things and letting go is the only way the biggger picture, the cosmos or the great spirit gets a chance to work with me and through me. Alchemical carnivale died because I have been holding on too tightly...wondering why nothings happening??
We all create our own realities!
So I have let go and my intuition is saying it will reemerge in a differnt form. For now I need to just get involved with otheres for a time, get to know more people , relax, give out freely, do peoples charts and trust that the work and the money will flow in. Its already started... and do the propsal for Carnivale at Southbank. Oops I have really been avoiding this one! This option or opening has frozen me and created a crisis thats been hiding behind other more obvious crisis in my life. They are all connected. Nothing happening in my life because I have been too scared to commit to grounding the proposal and facing my fears around it. I will begin. Make it happen .

dying

I feel small. Like I have shrunk... I feel lost. I really thought the alchemical carnivale was a great idea that would really take off...it is and yet i have been unable to do anything with it. This saddens me immeasurably. I have to let it die now. i cant do any more at his time in my life.